Diablo BTeam Heroes
by Forlorn Rapture
Summary: The misadventures of two heroes, a paladin named Alexander Darkstar and a Barbarian named Erg. This is the cheaply translation of their erm....exploits.
1. Chapter 1: The Beginning

Diablo B-Team Heroes  
  
Yeah so....I was obsessed with Diablo for a while, and I kind of....thought up some of this stuff. Have fun reading, it'd have to be my first document. And my friend, who's co-writing it with me, has never played the game in his life, nor does he have any earthly clue about it. I just like his humor. Have fun reading.   
  
Chapter 1: The Beginning  
  
In the middle of the ruins of Tristam, one tavern has always managed to survive called "The Lucky 7", and this where we join our heroes. A paladin named Alexander Darkstar and a Barbarian named Erg. A dealer of card games, a Necromancer named Taliesin, a shady looking character, deals out the next hand of Blackjack. Taliesin smiles underneath his translouscent visor.   
  
Taliesin- Dealer wins....18 to 5...  
  
Erg looks up slightly frustrated.  
  
Erg- Erg hate blackjack! Erg not learn counting! Number value odd concept! Erg like Rummy better!   
  
Erg starts to reach for his battle mace, glaring down at the Necromancer.  
  
Erg- Erg smash smart number man!   
  
Alexander stops Erg from raising his mace any further.   
  
Alex- Calm down man, it'll be alright. Let me play from now on, you can go fondle that wench at the bar.  
  
Erg smiles a satisfying smile.  
  
Erg- Erg like women...  
  
Alexander watches Erg walk off, then looks back toward where the dealer was standing.   
  
Alex- Alright, deal 'em out.  
  
The Necromancer does as told.  
  
Taliesin- Before we start this game...what kind of name for a paladin is Darkstar?  
  
Alex- Hey, don't knock it.... (He looks down in a whiney voice) My parents were Gothic...much like my overly muscular and brain cell deprived friend over there...  
  
Taliesin- How'd you turn out okay?  
  
Alex- I found the light at a very early age...  
  
Taliesin- You found God?  
  
Alex- Nah, I found a candle that my dad let burn out....it was very inspiring....  
  
Alex looks at his cards.  
  
Alex- Hit me...  
  
He gets an ace.  
  
Alex- I'm staying....  
  
The dealer takes a hit.   
  
Taliesin- Show your cards...  
  
They both flip their hands over.  
  
Alex- Ha! Twenty, read 'em and weep.  
  
Taliesin looks down at his cards with a smile...  
  
Taliesin- Twenty one....  
  
Taliesin grabs all the money on the table.   
  
Taliesin- Well, looks like I win, this was really fun, and that was the final hand. I got Necromancer stuff to do...you know, raise the dead, terrorize innocent villages...  
  
Alex looks at him funny, then looks down as one of Taliesin's cards turns into a bone spider.   
  
Alex- HEY YOU CHEATER!  
  
Taliesin quickly runs off.  
  
Taliesin- Gotta run! Suckers....  
  
Alex mumbles in disappointment, then hears a loud smack come from the bar, then watches as a wench walks away from the bar looking upset.   
  
Erg- Erg said he like....B cups. Erg said he good in bed. She get offended. Erg not know what went wrong.   
  
Alex slowly walks over.   
  
Alex- That's enough, we need to find some people to work with.   
  
As Alex talks, an assassin hangs down from the rafters, snatching up a drunk with chicken wire. Erg is the only one who notices this deeply disturbing incident.   
  
Erg- Erg see drunken man die! Drunken man not have it coming!  
  
Alex cocks a brow.  
  
Alex- What the hell are you going on about?  
  
Erg- Shadow lady come from rafters! Take drunken man with chicken wire! Erg not like chicken wire!  
  
Alex shakes his head.   
  
Alex- Right. So yes, let's find someone to work with.   
  
After hours of searching, the best our two heroes could find, especially since Alex spent most of his time looking for the Necromancer that ripped him off, was a hippy looking Druid named Joe who had a green dire wolf named Mary Jane as a pet.   
  
Alex- What the hell is this? Where's his weapons?  
  
Erg- Erg didn't pay attention. Erg was too busy being mesmerized by pretty tie dye colors! Erg also like little round glasses. Remind Erg of Ray Charles.   
  
Joe- Yeah...Erg here's nice. And I don't need weapons. Mother Nature and Love are all I need. Besides, Mary Jane takes care of all the rough people.   
  
Alex notices the pipe in Joe's hand, then looks at the dire wolf.  
  
Alex- So how did a dire wolf get that green?  
  
Joe- Don't know dude, found her like that when she was a pup. She made me think of good luck, and another thing that was very dear to me.  
  
Alex- Could that thing that's so dear to you be an herb?  
  
Joe- I just don't know anymore....  
  
And so, our Heroes set out with no particular goal and no source of income. Hopefully, the aimless meandering will lead them to something profitable and a lot more interesting than Erg's shadow woman. Join us next time. 


	2. Chapter 2: The Wrath of Aimless Wanderin...

Diablo B-Team Heroes  
  
Chapter 2: The Wrath of Aimless Wandering  
  
A day and a half passed and Erg, Joe and Alex stop to rest beside the path they were taking. To their left, a small field of tall crab grass lay quivering within the wisps of wind that caressed the earth.   
  
Erg- Erg no like walking! Erg hate stupid rocks! Pebbles in Erg's shoes hurt like hemoroids!   
  
Joe reaches into his pocket, smiling a bit toward Mary Jane, then looking over at Erg.   
  
Joe- Kill the pain....kill the pain...  
  
In Joe's hand there was a small pipe. Handing it to Erg, the young Druid pulled out what appeared to be a piece of flint, a striking stone, and a small hole above a hard wooden block which held a special oil for making fire.  
  
Joe- This here is a lighter.   
  
Joe's hand moved toward Erg's, placing the Druid contraption in the palm of the Germanic Barbarian. Erg blinked a few times before putting the pipe in his mouth. Erg flicked the striking stone against the flint, causing a small flame to ignite. After a few minutes of inhaling, Erg's formerly disgruntled look was replaced by a spacey expression.  
  
Erg- Erg.....like tastey...smoke....  
  
Alex, meanwhile, was growing quite aggrivated with the two before him.   
  
Alex- Hey! We have no food! No way of getting any! And no money! And all you guys are worried about is learning how to kill the pain of a foot hemoroid?!   
  
Joe slowly turned to Alex.  
  
Joe- You know....you could mellow out...  
  
Alex- And you could stop being such a worthless bum!  
  
Mary Jane growled at the angry paladin. Alex narrowed his eyes at the dire wolf.  
  
Alex- What're you looking at?!  
  
Mary Jane's mouth opened, clamping down onto Alex's arm, shaking him wildly like a chew toy.   
  
Alex- GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! AH THE PAIN!   
  
Joe shook his head, laughing.  
  
Joe- Mary Jane's just playing with you....  
  
As the dire wolf continued to shake the helpless paladin around, a traveller could be seen walking just by the tall grass. As he walked, the familiar shadow of the woman from the bar darted out, snatching him into the tall grass. Erg, once again, was the only one who saw the unerrving event.   
  
Erg- Shadow lady snatch man! Erg afraid he's gonna be next! Erg don't like scary assassin!  
  
Joe- What are you talking about Erg? We're out here in the middle of nowhere....there's no one here....  
  
Joe looked at his pipe, muttering beneath his breath.  
  
Joe- This stuff's stronger than I thought....  
  
Mary Jane finally put the paladin down. Alex lay on the ground, breathing heavily.   
  
Alex- Damn that mutt! Gah!   
  
Alex quickly got to his feet, turning his nose up toward his saliva coated arm.   
  
Alex- Great, just great. Now my arm smells like the dead carcuss of a rotted cow! Everything smells like death! Those catacombs we raided smelt of death! That bar we met at smelt of death! My arm smells like death! EVEN THAT WOMAN I HAD LAST NIGHT ON THE WAY HERE SMELT LIKE DEATH!   
  
Several miles away, Taliesin was looking through a small mirror, showing our Heroes' current placing and conversation. Taliesin snickered a bit at the paladin's comment.  
  
Taliesin- If only you knew about the young woman....if only you knew....  
  
With a chuckle Taliesin continued walking.  
  
Meanwhile....Alex and the others had continued their walking. Erg mumbled to himself, then looked up.  
  
Erg- Erg's stomach rumbles. Erg hungry!   
  
Alex and Joe stopped to look at the barbarian. Just as they did so, a group of people jumped from the tall grass surrounding them.  
  
Bandit- HAHA! YES! WE HAVE FOUND OURSELVES SOME FRESH MEAT! PREPARE TO TASTE THE WRATH OF MY IMPRESSIVELY WEAK STAFF!  
  
Alex cocked a brow as the bandit swung his staff...which oddly resembled a rotting tree branch, at the paladin, the wood breaking in half on the Holy Knight's armor. The bandit blinked several times, looking at his broken branch.  
  
Bandit- YES! WELL! I SHALL RETURN! YOU HAVE NOT HEARD THE LAST OF US! FOR WE ARE THE BANDITS OF THE DARK AND SCARY FOREST....er um....THE DARK AND SCARY WELL BEATEN PATH! WE SHALL BE BACK FOR YOU!   
  
The bandits each threw down a smoke bomb, and as the smoke cleared, one bandit was left standing. The bandit grinned sheepishly, then quickly turned and ran off. Alex and the others were left blinking in confusion.  
  
Erg- Erg think weak bandit had too much of Joe's herb.  
  
Alex- Right.....  
  
With the odd, and very disturbing encounter now over, Alex began to lead the company further away from the path. After thirty minutes of walking, they came upon the entrance to a cave.   
  
Alex- Finally! A chance to destroy EVIL!  
  
Erg- Erg don't like spooky looking cave....  
  
Alex sighed, looking to Joe.  
  
Joe- Hey....why don't we just stay out here...?  
  
Alex muttered in frustration.   
  
Alex- How can you call yourselves heroes?! COME ON!   
  
Well, as this chapter comes to a close, with Alex dragging Erg and Joe along into the cave...I leave you with a few words of wisdom. Never touch a dead chick. I mean, if she reeks that much, run. It's just better that way. Have a nice one. 


	3. Chapter 3: The Cave of Useless Merchandi...

Diablo B-Team Heroes  
  
Chapter 3: The Cave Of Useless Merchandise  
  
We rejoin our heroes ten feet inside the cave.  
  
Alex: So yeah, we're gonna slay some evil...  
  
Joe: Slaying evil is so yesterday...we should get along with evil...  
  
Erg looks up, coming down off of the herb from earlier.  
  
Erg: Erg think evil make world bad!  
  
Alex turns and looks at the barbarian.  
  
Alex: I wonder where he got that notion from...  
  
Erg looked over to the paladin.  
  
Erg: Erg listen to self-help tape! Tape rightfully titled: Why Evil Bad!  
  
Joe: Hey....I used to have that tape too...but then I accidently smoked it....no wait....Mary Jane ate it....and then we smoked it....  
  
Alex looks over at the Druid in silent confusion, then led the company further into the cave. After walking for a few minutes they come upon something which oddly resembles a reception counter. A receptionist pops up looking unusually happy and perky.  
  
Receptionist: Welcome to the Cave Of Useless Merchandise! Please enjoy your stay!  
  
Alex: But uh....I thought this was the cave of....dank evil...  
  
Receptionist: It used to be a cave of a evil! But then we bought it out and renovated it! It's now a cave of manufacturing stores! Please enjoy your stay!  
  
Alex: Riiight....  
  
Receptionist: Please hurry along now! Don't stand in one place too long or we'll think you're stealing!  
  
Joe: I hate that....cause I was like....staring at Mary Jane's fur...and...it reminds me of a map....you know...with all the green...so I tried to find where I am....so it's really hard....I keep moving around....  
  
Alex: That's not you, it's a tick!  
  
Joe: Oh....I thought I was walking and reading this map....it must be magical....  
  
Erg: Erg don't like magic map! Always lead Erg into getting lost!  
  
Alex: That's cause you always hold yours upside down!  
  
Erg: So many questions answered.....  
  
The company continues starts to walk when a shady man whispers to them.   
  
Man: Psst...hey.....you here....I want you to see my line of action figures....I got the entire Diablo set.  
  
Erg: Erg don't like Diablo collectibles! Erg think Diablo crappy!  
  
Everyone slowly turns to look at the camera, then back Erg.  
  
Erg: Erg don't mean it! Erg's threat empty!  
  
Joe looks over to the man.  
  
Joe: Do you have the Dark and Scary bandits? I want the one that never runs away after they throw down the smoke bomb....  
  
Shopkeeper: Yeah! I got him. He looks confused.   
  
Alex: Kind of like someone we all know....  
  
Alex and Erg look to Joe, who is staring blankly at Mary Jane.  
  
Joe: Are they talking about you MJ?  
  
Erg looks down at the box the action figure's in.  
  
Erg: Erg confused! Box say Collect All! How can Erg collect all when company makes limited number of toy!  
  
Alex: It means to get one of every kind....  
  
Erg: Erg confused! Company use round-about marketing technique!  
  
Joe: Yeah...I know what you mean...it's just like that time I bought......(He stands there for a minute) What was I gonna say...?  
  
Alex: You were going to tell us something....  
  
Joe: Oh....yeah.....about that time I bought Mary Jane a flea collar....but....if it's a flea collar....why isn't it made out of fleas?  
  
The three heroes move along to the next desk where a cloaked figure stands. A woman of hispanic origin stands beside the cloaked figure offering them a tray of cookies and brownies. The cloaked man speaks.  
  
Cloaked Figure: Are you tired of being hungry? Is your stomach always giving you the roundabout when you want to eat? I mean, it is your body. Your stomach's not in charge.   
  
Erg: Erg understand meaning perfectly! Erg want Brunch! But body forces breakfast!  
  
Cloaked Figure: But anyway, I've created this fun and nutritious brownies. They'll fill you up and tide you over and let you eat when you want. Your stomach will think it's full, but it's just a dumb organ.   
  
Joe: Hey...I'll try some of those....  
  
Cloaked Figure: Excellent. (He pulls out a few scrolls) I need you to sign a few waviers. Here, here, here, and eventually here.   
  
Joe: What's an initial?  
  
Cloaked Figure: Just put an X.   
  
Alex: Yeah, I guess I could eat one too.   
  
Erg looks shy and embarressed.  
  
Cloaked Figure: Hey, come on sign....you do want one don't you?  
  
Erg: Erg forget spelling of name.   
  
Alex: I'll sign for you.   
  
They all sign the waviers and the Hispanic woman offers the tray to the heroes. They all take a cookie. Joe even feeds a couple to Mary Jane.   
  
Hispanic Woman: Thank you for trying the Phantom Man brand brownie. (She begins to speak incredibly fast) Mr. Phantom Man is not responsible in any way, shape, form or fashion for the following symptoms, which include, but are not limited to: Highs, Delusions of Grandor, Rashes, Lower Intestinal Infections, Rotting of Toe Nails, The Squirts, Bubble Guts, Runny Bowels, or any other rectal symptom, and Flesh Eating Intestine Worms. (Her voice returns to its normal speed) Thank you for trying Phantom Man's Evil Bran Brownies.   
  
Phantom Man looks over to the Hispanic Woman.  
  
Phantom Man: Marie, you've already said too much. You've already given them the disclaimer. Now let's go.  
  
They quickly close down shop, leaving our Heroes alone again. They all turn to the Paladin to find out that he's laughing insanely.   
  
Alex: FINALLY! I'VE DESTROYED ALL THE EVIL IN THE WORLD! THERE'S NOTHING LEFT BUT MARKETING FRANCHISES! WHICH WILL SOON LEAD TO BIG CORPORATE BUSINESSES! THEY WILL BE THE NEXT EVIL!   
  
Erg can be seen, scratching a rash on his chest.  
  
Erg: Erg frightened by scary prediction of future.   
  
The familiar sight of the five bandits from outside could be seen popping out in front of our Heroes all wearing decoratively colored uniforms.   
  
Bandit: HAHA! WE ARE THE BANDITS OF THE DARK AND SCARY BOOTLEG BOUTIQUE!   
  
Joe: Wait a minute.....how can bandits own a boutique? Isn't that redundant?   
  
Erg: Joe say smart words?   
  
The bandits stare at the stoner.  
  
Bandit: Actually, you're partially right my friend, but you see, everything we sale is bootleg so still, we're robbing the public. Care for a T-Shirt that looks exactly like the ones that they sell up front?  
  
Erg: Erg need rash cream! Rash irritating!  
  
One of the other bandits pop up beside Erg.   
  
Second Bandit: Here's some rash cream....well, it's not really rash cream. We made it out of cow spit.  
  
Erg quickly snatches the bottle from the bandit's hand, rubbing it all over his chest.  
  
Erg: Rash cream smell like home.  
  
All of a sudden the receptionist from up front appears with two orc security guards.  
  
Receptionist: There they are! They keep selling fake products!  
  
The head bandit sees the two orcs then looks at the three before them.   
  
Bandit: Well! The jig is up! Looks like we just had our out of business sale!  
  
The bandits throw down smoke bombs, and once again the same bandit is standing there after the smoke clears.  
  
Confused Bandit: I never really understood the concept of smoke bombs....but anyway, I never worked here!   
  
The bandit rips off his name tag and runs away. By this time Mary Jane has grabbed the receptionist and has started to look around for a place to bury her.  
  
Receptionist: PUT ME DOWN! WHY ARE YOU DIGGING A HOLE?!   
  
Joe: She just wants to play hide and seek....she's gonna hide you now, and seek you out later....  
  
Receptionist: THAT MADE NO SENSE! WHY IN TH....  
  
Her sentence was cut short as Mary Jane covers up the hole, then precedes to squat on it. All our heroes suddenly black out and then wake up at an undisclosed amount of time at the entrance, feeling as though they had their asses severely kicked. As for the cave, it's on fire and there appear to be no survivors. They all sit up with a headache, looking at Mary Jane who has a torch in her mouth.  
  
Alex: What the hell happened...?  
  
Erg: Erg smell like cow spit! This remind Erg of frat house days!   
  
Joe: Man....that was one hell of a bender....  
  
Joe then takes the torch out of Mary Jane's mouth.   
  
Alex: You're always on a bender.  
  
Joe: Yeah, you're right.....  
  
Joe uses the torch to light his pipe, then tosses it into the cave causing another unforseen explosion. The receptionist crawls out covered in dirt and burning feces.   
  
Receptionist: All stores....destroyed....wolf.....arsenist....  
  
Our heroes saunder away from the burning cave not bothering to help the lady or question the fact that a dire wolf could be an arsenist, leaving us to believe that fire marshels have the right idea by not opening shopping malls in caves with only one entrance/exit. And remeber kids, only you can prevent giant green wolves from setting stuff on fire. Tune in next time for chapter four. 


End file.
